Here comes the bride... Sibusiso Mkwanazi: In respect of the interest that I have shown to take your daughter, The Arts (or "Artis" as I fondly refer to her), to be my lawfully wedded wife...
Dear Arts and Family
In respect of the interest that I have shown to take your daughter, The Arts (or "Artis" as I fondly refer to her) to be my lawfully wedded wife - and for the sake of expediency - I request your attention to the lobola quote below. I realise this is not how matters are done traditionally, but times have changed and I have fallen head-over-heels in love with her and am willing to pay any amount or entrance fee, as dictated by you, for her.
I have looked everywhere for such unconditional and subjective love, with no apparent success. I attempted to woo and understand Sports, but found that she only had time for me during the weekend, and just like one of Artis' BFFs, Brenda Fassie once said, I am no weekend special. That is when I started indulging in a relationship with Food, accompanied by a few glasses of Wine, but that did no favours for my figure. My sudden gain in weight even scared away Television, whom I have always suspected had a crush on me. TV, as I affectionately call her, asked me to pay some sort of life-time licence to be with her, even though her programming leaves a lot to be desired. I left her, because it was the right thing to do.
It was during this low-point in my life when I met your beautifully daring daughter Artis, at our local duck pond, even though she insists on calling it a Swan Lake. That is when I knew I had found "the one". No matter what people thought of her, she maintained her view and backed it up with artistic justifications, which often left her critics speechless.
I know Artis and I are only engaged and she comes from a religious family who strongly discourage any sort of intimacy before marriage, but I remember this one time - the one and only time - when I found myself gazing into her eyes and saw an exhibition called "Innovative Women". It was supposed to be her educating me about the lives and struggle of women, but it was interrupted by her aunt Looloo Xingwaanaa, who said even looking in the direction of her eyes was immoral. It is my sincerest plea that she not be part of your family's lobola negotiating party, as she might make the final amount an exorbitant one, in an effort to keep Artis only for an elite few.
With your blessing, our union could do more good for nation-building than Nelson Mandela donning a Springbok jersey, a white boy called Lekgoa performing kwaito and granting BEE status to South African citizens of Asian descent. After all, I do not care what colour or orientation Artis is. I have seen her (disguised as Dada Masilo) mesmerise with her fluid motions. Her contemporary moves are what make me remain in love with her. As with all fair lobola negotiations, I would like you to consider lowering the final amount due to the fact that the love of my life is genetically predisposed to suffer from schizophrenia. How else do you explain someone's mood being so contemporary and all of a sudden being classical? Whether she is a tutu-wearing lead in a ballet performance or plays a small part in the contemporary Dance Umbrella, she always manages to be convincing. The scary thing is how perfectly comfortable she is in either mood. This is where I am hoping the lifelong experience and judgement of her grandfathers, Athol Fugard and Jonn Kani will be utilised so we can come to a mutually beneficial amount.
I have noticed recently that there has been international interest in my Artis and I am afraid Dollars, Pounds and Euros and even Yens might trump the Rands that I am offering for your only daughter.
I have spent countless nights on my bed unable to sleep just because I could not decide which of her attributes most appeal to me. Maybe it is (even though I am not Barry Hilton's cousin or am not black enough to be invited into David Kau's Blacks Only shows) her ability to make me laugh when I need it most. She even knows when I am not in the mood to talk about my day and we communicate in the form of a mime act.
Or how about the time I needed some inspiration and she asked Mzwakhe Mbooli to write me a poem, but this would have contravened his parole conditions, and she opted for the deeply profound Lebu Masheele?
One day, when I decide to start a family, I do not even have to worry about how good a mother she will be to our children. I have often observed her interacting with the esteemed young guests at The Peoples Theatre. It seems school holidays are her favourite time of the year.
It is my pleasure to notify you that, on any given day of the week, every single year, no matter what is going around her, Artis continues to provide me - and quite honestly, everyone around her - with intriguing entertainment, a multi-dimensional perspective, a vital link with history, aspirations for the future, comedic relief, a chance for me to escape to a world where my voice counts for something and most of all, love. All you have to do is name your price.
PS: Please forward your banking details to me no later than the close of business today. A delay in adhering to this will result in Artis being given away for free, as if she is a community development project. Terms and conditions apply. For more information, please log on to
www.artislovesme.co.za. Will a post-dated cheque suffice?
Sibusiso Mkwanazi
Writer
[email protected]072 619 7006